


The Bank Called, Your Reality Check Bounced

by LadyNorbert



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: A Banana Peel Is At Fault, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossover, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, I Blame Tumblr, Other, Post-Canon, Silly, Tamaki Annoys Everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNorbert/pseuds/LadyNorbert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A set of somewhat bizarre circumstances has stranded the Hosts in Amestris. Tamaki wants Ed and Winry to declare their love. Roy establishes a Central Command Host Club. And it just gets weirder from there. Post FMA canon, AU in the extreme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black Magic and Banana Peels

**Author's Note:**

> I claim very little responsibility for this. Most of the blame lies with my friend Andrea (she to whom the Elemental Chess Trilogy was dedicated), for spending a day introducing me to OHSHC almost a full year after getting me addicted on FMA. Most of the rest of the blame belongs to a large number of my Tumblr followers, particularly FFN's own jellyjay and LyssaLaa, for encouraging my sleep-deprived delusions. I have yet to determine how many chapters this will be, but at least three or four...
> 
> This is, in largest part, pure silliness. It was chiefly inspired by the fact that the OHSHC anime and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood have identical voice casts. I have not read the OHSHC manga (although I know how it ends), so this strictly references the anime, hence the appearance of - among other things - banana peels. It can take place at any point during the school year. Also, regarding the word that the Hosts use to refer to each other, I have seen it written as both senpai and sempai; I am using the senpai spelling because that's how they spell it in the title of one episode of the anime, "Mori-senpai Has an Apprentice Candidate."
> 
> In terms of FMA, it's set two years after the events of the Promised Day. There are spoilers in here for the finale of Brotherhood/the manga. Also, the fact that it's a crossover means that it's an AU in the first instance, but it's additionally made one by the fact that a certain beloved FMA character does not die - he survives to enjoy these events, particularly at Roy's expense.
> 
> And I think I've covered everything now and if I keep this up the author's note will be as long as the chapter, so I'll stop here. Enjoy! Please review!

It was, on the surface, a fairly standard day. Of course, at Ouran Academy, the definition of "standard" was a bit different from the rest of the world, to the point where it probably wasn't a good way to describe the day at all. The only inescapable fact was that it was a Thursday.

Anyway, the Host Club - the school's elite playground for the super rich and beautiful - had just concluded their day's business. Kyoya was tallying data in his PineApple computer; Honey was eating his ninth piece of cake; Tamaki was preening; the twins were playing tag; and Mori was meditating. Only Haruhi, the club's "secret princess," was absent; she had gone to pick up more instant coffee.

Adjacent to the club's meeting place was a room occupied by the Black Magic Club. Occasionally, and for no discernible reason, a strange door would materialize in their shared wall. It did so on this allegedly standard day, and opened to reveal Nekozawa Umehito, president of the Black Magic Club.

"Greetings, light-dwellers!"

Despite the vast differences in their interests, Nekozawa was actually rather fond of the seven Hosts. They had helped him, with some difficulty and for no personal gain of their own, repair his relationship with his adored little sister Kirimi. It was a kindness he would not soon forget.

"Oh, hey there, Nekozawa," said Hikaru, pausing mid-stride. "The door showed up, huh?"

"The door? It must be plot-relevant," said Tamaki, setting aside his comb.

"I made an amazing discovery, and I wanted to share it with all of you," Nekozawa told them, brandishing his puppet Belzeneff in excitement. "I have opened a portal!"

"To where?"

"I'm not completely sure," he admitted. "But I was experimenting with some mystic circles, trying to determine if they were suitably black to share with the rest of the club, and a gate appeared! I have reason to believe that beyond it lie the answers to all of life's mysteries!"

"I'm back," said Haruhi, interrupting this impassioned speech. "Oh, hi, Nekozawa. A gate, huh?" She put down the bag of groceries.

"Yes. So will you all come and see the gate?"

"I'm not sure it's entirely wise," Kyoya began.

"Well, it's not like I've been able to get the thing _open_ ," Nekozawa protested. "I just want someone to see it!"

"Oh, come on, Mommy, let's go see the gate," Tamaki wheedled.

"Very well. If it's closed then I suppose it can't do much harm."

* * *

The seven Hosts followed Nekozawa into the Black Magic Club's room, where - after their eyes adjusted to the darkness - they could see his extraordinary discovery for themselves. It was nothing less, and nothing more, than a massive pair of stone doors set into a wall where there was almost certainly never supposed to be a door, stone or otherwise. "You see?" the Dark Prince asked proudly.

"Well, we _see_ it," said Hikaru.

"We're just not sure what it _is_ ," added Kaoru.

"Neither am I, exactly. But I just know it's a significant black magic discovery! It has to be!"

Haruhi peered closely at the gate's intricate carvings. "All the words are Latin," she mused, "but I'm not fluent enough to know what they mean. I recognize a couple of them, though, they seem to be related to... medicine."

"Let me see," said Kyoya, moving to join her. "Hm. Yes, I see what you mean. These are very old pharmaceutical terms, or at least some of them are. That doesn't seem especially black magic to me."

Haruhi lifted a hand to touch one of the inscriptions. The instant her fingertips made contact with the engraving, the gate began to slide open, the double doors parting inwards. Startled, she jumped back, and the twins each grabbed one of her arms to help her stay upright. "What the-?"

From the depths of the blackness beyond the gate, an impossibly large and penetrating eye gazed unblinkingly at them. They gazed back. It was emotionless, inexorable, and kind of creepy.

"What _is_ that?"

"The eye! The all-seeing, all-knowing eye!" cried Nekozawa, dropping to his knees. "I knew this would show us the way to the answers! Let's go in!"

"No way."

"Not happening."

"I have to be over here now."

The Hosts, each more spooked than they wanted to admit, turned to go. Of course, this would be a really short story if that had actually worked.

Haruhi, being closest to the gate when the Hosts decided to make their exit, was at the tail of the group and fell in step behind the six boys. Just as she did so, one of those ubiquitous and never-adequately-explained banana peels appeared on the floor beneath her shoe. She immediately lost her balance and shrieked, her arms pinwheeling out at her sides in a futile attempt to keep herself from falling. She slid backwards, tumbling head over heels, ultimately careening into the darkness surrounding the eye.

"Haruhi!"

The other Hosts stared after her in dismay and alarm. "Come on, men! It's our sworn duty to rescue Haruhi!" declared Tamaki, and together they rushed into the abyss without further hesitation.

"Wait for me!" exclaimed Nekozawa, getting to his feet. "I'm coming too!"

But as he reached the gate, it abruptly slammed shut in his face, the sound echoing through the empty room. He stared at it in dismay, Belzeneff hanging limply at his side.

"Aw man..."

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Amestris..._

* * *

"So we're agreed," Alphonse Elric said to his brother Edward, as they walked back home from the grocery store. "In just two weeks, we'll go - me to the east, you to the west."

"Admit it, you just can't wait to get to Ling's court and see May Chang again," Ed teased him.

"Come on." Al chuckled. "What about you? You're not overjoyed to be leaving Winry, now, are you?"

"Well, I - hey, look, a distraction!" He pointed, and Al turned.

"Oh, you weren't kidding," said Al, as they hurried over to help the individual sprawled on the grass not far away. She, or he (it was a little hard to tell), was not too much younger than themselves. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I...think so," mumbled the stranger, getting up slowly. "Where am I?"

"Resembool, in the south country. Did you hit your head, miss...?" Al ventured a guess as to gender.

"Haruhi. Haruhi Fujioka." She shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Here, let us help you." Ed gave her his hand. "You've got dirt all over that nice suit jacket - give it to Al, he'll clean it off for you."

"Thanks, that's nice of you."

As Al helped her remove the blue jacket with the unfamiliar lapel logo, Ed became vaguely aware of a collection of young men in the near distance. Suddenly -

" _TAMA-CHAN KIIIIIIIIIIIICK!_ "

"What the _hell_?"

He just barely managed to dodge a flying kick from a skinny blond boy, who performed a few improbable somersaults in midair before landing.

"Oh, no." Haruhi put her face in her hand. A pair of identical redheads were suddenly standing on either side of her.

"One," they said in unison, "good looks that attract the public eye."

"Two," said another voice, this one belonging to a bespectacled black-haired boy, "more wealth than you can imagine."

"Three," said a different black-haired boy who sounded way too much like Roy Mustang to be believed, "chivalry that will never be able to overlook..."

"...the hideous wickedness of this world," finished a sandy-haired midget standing at his side.

The blond who had tried to kick in the side of Ed's face rejoined them. They were clustered like human shields around the lone female, who seemed positively embarrassed. "That's what makes up the Ouran Host Club," the blond said defiantly. Together, the six boys declared, "We're here! Watch out!"

Ed and Al blinked, and looked at each other.

"So are you guys some kind of traveling stage show?"

"How often do you rehearse that?"

" _Senpai_ ," groaned the girl.

Al finished getting the dirt off of her jacket and handed it back. "Here you go," he said pleasantly. "Not exactly good as new, but it's an improvement."

"Thank you very much."

As she pulled the jacket back on, it became obvious that the wind was going out of the boys' sails. "So...so you weren't...in danger?" asked the blond.

"No, Tamaki-senpai. I fell in a dirt pile when I landed here and these guys were passing by so they helped me up."

"Oh. Aheh." He rubbed the back of his neck. Coughing, he turned and extended a hand to Ed. "My profound apologies. Thank you so much for assisting Haruhi." Slinging his free arm around her, he gave a squeeze, adding, "Daddy was so _worried_ about you!"

"Daddy?" Ed repeated.

"Don't ask," she muttered.

* * *

Winry was sitting on the steps with Den when the collective approached the house. She looked baffled. "You seem to have picked up a couple of strays," she called out as they drew near. "What's going on?"

"Kind of a long story," Ed told her, handing over the bags of apple pie ingredients she had requested.

"Ed, our entire lives are a long story."

"I guess that's true enough. Okay, short form, these guys somehow wandered through the Gate of Truth and ended up here."

Winry blinked. He shrugged and pointed. "This is Tamaki, Haruhi, Kyoya, Mori, Honey, Hikaru, and Kaoru. I think. I might have the twins mixed up. Don't ask me why Mori sounds like Mustang - if he actually talks at any point, that is - or why Hikaru sounds like Ling."

"And who is this charming princess?" purred Tamaki, bowing over Winry's hand and pressing his lips to her knuckles.

"Uh..." She looked a little perplexed.

"This is Winry," Ed replied, eyes narrowing slightly.

" _Enchante, mademoiselle_ ," he said, bowing again.

"Okay, I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded pretty." She looked amused. "Well, you might as well all come inside. Grandma's making stew and she always makes enough for a small army."

"What's stew?" asked one of the twins.

"It's kind of like vegetable soup, but it has milk in it to make it thicker," Ed said. "You've never had stew before?"

"No. Is that commoner food?" asked the other twin.

"Commoner...?"

Haruhi groaned. "Yes, guys, it's commoner food," she told her friends. Turning to their hosts, she said, "I apologize in advance for anything stupid that comes out of their mouths. These guys are aristocrats in Japan, so they tend to not understand how normal people live."

"Japan? Is that near Aerugo?" Al wondered.

"How can you never have heard of Japan?"

The eight boys stared at each other. Winry and Haruhi exchanged looks of commiseration. "It's gonna be a long night," said Winry.

"It usually is, with the Host Club. I'm with these guys every day," said Haruhi. "I'm starting to think I've found the secret to immortality."

* * *

Winry and Haruhi had no difficulty getting along. In many ways they were rather similar characters: they were both intelligent, down-to-earth, generally good-natured, and unassuming. They both liked to cook, and to read. Winry was only too delighted to show her automail workshop to someone who had no prior experience with the mechanics, and Haruhi paid her the compliment of genuine interest.

Honey loved everyone, and as soon as he learned that the strange stew dinner would be followed by Winry's apple pie for dessert, he was entirely content with the situation. "Pie's not as good as cake, but it's still really yummy!"

"Yeah." This was the extent of Mori's contribution to the discussion. But he seemed pretty much at ease, for the most part; it was his nature to be unflappable. Kyoya was 'watching and waiting,' to put it simply. His calculating disposition was content to wait and see what, if any, benefit might be derived from their present circumstances.

Al wasn't too ruffled by any of them, but he was quick to identify why Ed didn't like Tamaki. "Brother," he said, taking Ed aside, "he's not going to steal Winry away from you."

"I know he's not!" Ed snapped.

"But he _is_ kind of like you in some ways."

"No he isn't!"

"You have similar voices," Al continued. "And you even make some of the same faces. Look." He pointed at where Tamaki was being tormented by the twins over something or other. The expression on the taller boy's face was remarkably like the one Ed was known to make when someone made the mistake of implying that he was short.

Ed scowled, which only enhanced the resemblance.

* * *

Over dinner, they tried to iron out exactly where Japan and Amestris lay with relation to each other. It was an exercise in futility.

"So you've never heard of any of the countries around here? Amestris, Xing, Creta, Aerugo, Drachma?"

"None of them sound remotely familiar," said Kyoya. "And you don't know Japan? China? The United States?"

"The what?"

"Apparently not, then." The Shadow King looked thoughtful. "Could I possibly look at a map of the world?"

"Sure, I guess so." Ed left the table and returned a few minutes later with an atlas. "It's kind of old - it was our father's - but the basic layout of the countries is still pretty much accurate."

Kyoya opened the book, and the others crowded around him to peer at the pages. "This is weird," said Hikaru. (Ed could only identify the twins when one of them spoke, since - as he'd noted previously - Hikaru sounded like Ling.) "It looks a _little_ like Europe, but not much. And where's the ocean?"

"What's an ocean?"

"...giant body of water separating continents from each other?"

"What's a continent?"

"Are you saying," said Kyoya, "that these countries depicted here are the only ones in existence?"

"Well, kind of, yeah. They say there's more on the far sides of Aerugo and Xing, but our country's government being what it has been for the past couple centuries, nobody's really had the opportunity to go and find out for sure."

"Mm. I doubt there's enough time in this episode for a full-blown explanation of your political history," said Tamaki, still frowning at the page. "But we get the general idea."

"...episode?" asked Winry.

Haruhi shook her head. "With Tamaki-senpai, it's sometimes just easier if you don't ask too many questions. He sort of lives in his own world."

* * *

Later, Ed and Winry got into an argument.

This was not exactly headline news. Ed and Winry got into an argument at least once a day, usually over something mundane such as - in this case - whose turn it was to go into town and buy bread. They snapped at each other for a few minutes, stewed in silence, and then resumed life as if the confrontation had never taken place, with Ed more often than not giving in to Winry's point of view. Neither Al nor Pinako paid the quarrel the least bit of mind.

Tamaki, however, was aghast. "You can't fight with her like that!" he told Ed. "She's a princess, a beautiful flower of womanhood, you can't speak to her that -"

"What is _with_ you and your princess obsession?"

"Tamaki feels that every girl is a princess and deserves to be treated as one," said Kyoya, with what Ed suspected might be forced patience. "That's why he's our princely type."

"Your what?"

"Princely type. Each of us in the club has a personality type that appeals to a portion of our club's clientele, and thus we're able to entertain an extremely wide variety of customers. Tamaki is actually the most popular of us all; he's requested as a host by a good 70% of guests."

"Uh-huh." Ed didn't look impressed.

"Where _is_ Tamaki?" asked Al, realizing that the other blond had slipped away during Kyoya's explanation.

"Over there," the twins said in unison, pointing. Ed turned around slowly, golden eyes taking in the sight of Tamaki attempting to console a mostly confused-looking Winry. Haruhi, standing nearby, was rolling her eyes.

"Okay, that's it," said Ed through gritted teeth. "First thing tomorrow, we're getting on a train to Central. I'm going to introduce you all to my commanding officer, General Mustang. He'll find a way to get you back to Japan."

"But Brother, shouldn't we take them to Ishval for that?"

"Nah, Mustang and his unit are in Central for the month. Meetings and stuff." In a lower voice meant only for Al's ears, he added, "Let _him_ deal with this mess."


	2. The Central Command Host Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having thoroughly irritated Edward, Tamaki proceeds to irritate Roy. The poor idiot can't seem to go half a day without annoying someone in Amestris.

Roy still was at a loss to explain how the seven teenagers had arrived in Amestris in the first place. They'd never heard of the country, claimed to be from someplace called "Japan," and all wore matching blue and black tailored suits bearing the insignia of what they explained was a very exclusive educational facility. He was impressed with their sense of fashion, their general deportment and excellent manners, and more than slightly fascinated by the fact that one of them resembled a younger and taller version of himself to the point where their voices were even nearly identical. He also really couldn't understand how the one they maintained was the oldest of the bunch looked and sounded exactly like a six-year-old, but he'd seen enough weird stuff in his life to let that one pass without comment.

But their arrival in the country was yet unexplained.

How they'd arrived at Central Command, well, that was easier to understand. The Elrics had brought them. Apparently the leader, a tall blond boy with piercing purple eyes - _really, who the hell has purple eyes?_ \- was grating on Edward's nerves hard and fast. As a general rule, Roy approved of anything that annoyed Fullmetal, but in this particular case he had (a little) sympathy. The first thing the boy had done, once the initial shock of the situation had worn off, was to put the moves on Edward's adorable little mechanic. Roy didn't really know Winry; they'd met once, ages ago, when he recruited the Elrics for the military. But he knew from Riza that Winry was just a few inches shy of being the approximate center of Fullmetal's universe, and that she preferred tall men. So Roy wasn't without sympathy, not entirely.

"He called her princess," Ed had raged. "Of all things! Kissed her hand and called her a princess!"

Riza had looked faintly amused. "How did Winry respond?"

"Well, she's not stupid. She knows when someone's trying to schmooze her." His disposition had improved a bit at that. "But that doesn't mean I want him anywhere near her! Who knows what he might try to pull! _You're_ the high-ranking hoity-toity General, _you_ figure out how to get them back where they belong!" And he and Alphonse had left without looking back.

So that was how Roy got stuck with the group who identified themselves as the Ouran Academy Host Club.

* * *

The leader was called Tamaki Suoh. He had a voice that was strangely like Fullmetal's, except he didn't sound cranky all the time. On the contrary, his speech was mellifluous and cultured. Roy couldn't help thinking that Fullmetal might do well to take a couple pages out of the kid's book.

"And this is the club," Tamaki said. "My vice-president, Kyoya Ootori, who manages club finances and extracurricular activities." A tall black-haired boy with spectacles and a notebook bowed courteously. "The Hitachiin twins, Hikaru and Kaoru, who are first-year students at the academy. Our tallest member is Takashi Morinozuka, and this little cherub is his cousin, Mitsukuni Haninozuka. As for this precious creature, this is Haruhi Fujioka, the newest member of the club." The last was a doe-eyed moppet.

"And what is a host club?" asked Falman. Like the others, he was visiting Central and thus conveniently on hand for this newest set of shenanigans, though by rights he now belonged to the north. The men of Mustang's unit were all eyeing the newcomers with some curiosity.

"We are an elite group of young men with too much time on our hands," Tamaki replied with an elegant chuckle. "And we take it upon ourselves to entertain young ladies who also have too much time on their hands. They come to our room after classes have ended for the day, and are treated to the utmost of courtesy and attention."

Well, he certainly had Roy's attention at that. Riza looked unimpressed. She glanced at the one called Haruhi and said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you a girl?"

"No, you're right." Haruhi seemed unconcerned. "We can say as much here, since nobody knows us anyway. At the academy I pretend to be a boy so I can remain in the club."

"Haru-chan came to play with us!" trilled the little boy sitting on Takashi's shoulders. His taller cousin merely grunted affirmatively.

"Haruhi joined the club under somewhat extenuating circumstances," put in the one called Kyoya. "She had the misfortune to break a valuable antique belonging to the group, and thus became a host in order to work off her debt. Most of the students at Ouran come from Japan's wealthiest and most prestigious families, but Haruhi is a scholarship student."

"She's the best in our class," noted one of the twins. Roy had no idea which one had spoken, but the other one chimed in to add, "And very popular with the ladies!"

"She's no slouch in popularity with the men of the host club, either," Kyoya remarked dryly, adjusting his spectacles. Indeed, Roy had the distinct impression that the six boys doted on the girl, to varying degrees. They formed a loose semicircle around her at almost all times, very much ready to protect her from anything. He cast the briefest glance at Riza and the men of his unit; yes, this dynamic made perfect sense.

"So how does the host club work?" Fuery asked, wide-eyed. "I mean, you say you treat the girls to courtesy and attention. What do you do?"

"It depends on which of us they request," Kyoya replied. Roy had the notion that he was really more in charge than Tamaki, but deferred to the blond's more outgoing personality. "The twins come as a 'brotherly love' package. There are certain among our female guests who find the sight of them fawning over each other immensely appealing. Tamaki here is our resident prince charming."

As if to demonstrate, Tamaki strode toward Riza with the softest of expressions on his face. "I find it hard to believe that you're really a military officer," he told her. "If they had told me you were the queen of this fair country, it would ring more true to my ears."

Roy tensed instantly, one hand on the glove inside his pocket. Riza merely eyed the boy for a few seconds and then gave a delicate little snort. "Cute." Tamaki recoiled just slightly, bowed, and backed away. Roy smirked, letting go of the glove; he should have known better than to worry. Breda and Havoc exchanged amused glances.

Kyoya pretended the incident had never occurred. "Haruhi is what we call a natural. She's very good-natured and friendly, and wins over her guests with her sweetness. Honey, as we call Mitsukuni, is what's known as a 'boy Lolita.' He exudes cuteness, to put it bluntly."

"Mori, which is what we call Takashi here, is our strong and silent type," Tamaki added. "The girls swoon over his tough appearance and how it contrasts with how tenderly he takes care of his little cousin."

"Mm," was all the taller boy said. Haruhi uttered a tiny giggle and smiled up at him; for the first time since they entered the room, Mori smiled back.

"And as for Kyoya himself, he's what we call the cool one. He's kind of aloof and intellectual, but perfectly welcoming and charming in his own right."

"And girls really...go for all of this?" Riza looked incredulous.

"To be perfectly honest," Haruhi said, "I don't get it either." The two females shared a commiserating sort of look.

Tamaki merely laughed and squeezed the girl, who rolled her eyes and made a protesting noise. "Isn't she the most adorable thing you've ever seen!" he gushed. "You know, I'll bet we could give you men some pointers on how to entertain the ladies."

* * *

It was at about this moment that Roy decided he was completely on Fullmetal's side.

* * *

He excused himself and placed a very desperate phone call to Hughes. "I don't know where they came from and I don't really care right now. Just please get them out of here before I kill this kid."

"Geez, Roy, calm down! What's happened?"

So he had to explain, and once Hughes finished laughing (which in Roy's opinion took a lot longer than it should have), he sent Major Armstrong to collect the seven teenagers. "We'll get the intelligence operatives working on research as to how they ended up here, and if this Japan place even exists," Hughes promised. "If I had to guess, though, it's probably some crazy alchemy thing. Shame the kid got Ed so riled up, I bet he's the best one to figure out this mess."

"You might be right," Roy admitted. After all, Edward _had_ outwitted Truth itself. He half-wondered if this was Truth's idea of payback. "Once Fullmetal cools down a bit, I'll try to talk him into taking them back. But for now, please just keep them out of my hair."

"He hit on Hawkeye, didn't he." It wasn't a question.

"That's not it."

"But he did."

"Why don't you ask her about it later?"

"No thanks, I like breathing. One of these days I wish you two would just-"

"Goodbye, Hughes." He slammed down the receiver and walked back out into the larger room where everyone else is waiting. "All right, you kids, listen up. Major Alex Louis Armstrong is going to be arriving shortly to escort you to our intelligence department. They're going to see if they can figure out how to get you back where you belong. Until that time, you are considered guests of our government. I will expect you to conduct yourselves accordingly."

"Mustang-chan," chirped the little-boy-who-wasn't-one-really, "why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry! I'm authoritative." He paused. "What the hell is a chan?"

"Never mind," said Haruhi, shaking her head. "I think it's a quirk of our language that doesn't translate well to outsiders. Honey-senpai, please don't call these people _chan_ , all right? Think of them like teachers. You can't call your teacher _chan_."

"But I do call her Teacher-chan!" he protested.

"Mitsukuni," said Takashi, in that voice that freaked Roy out for how much it resembled his own, "listen to Haruhi. She's right."

"Oh. Okay. Can we get some cake?"

"Maybe later."

* * *

Once the teenagers had been herded off to wherever Armstrong cattle-rustled them, Roy heaved a sigh of relief. "Man, chief," said Havoc with a lazy grin, "I half expected you to set that Tamaki kid on fire."

"The General can restrain himself a little better than that," said Riza, gathering up her things to go home. "Usually."

"Well, we're heading over to your mom's new bar," said Breda, "if you two want to join us."

"Thanks," Riza said, and Roy could tell she meant it, "but I actually have plans. Since I've got the weekend off, Rebecca's coming in on the seven o'clock train. We're meeting Maria Ross and going to the theater."

"That sounds good," Roy said. The wheels in his head were starting to turn. "Say hello to Catalina for us, will you? You girls enjoy yourselves."

She eyed him suspiciously. "Thank you, we will. Behave yourselves, please, men. And whatever it is you're planning to do...I'd like to recommend you don't."

The instant she was gone, and the sound of her footsteps had died away in the hall, the men turned to Roy. "What have you got in mind, boss?"

"Let's go to the bar," he replied, "and I'll explain everything there."

* * *

"You really think we can pull it off?" Fuery asked dubiously.

"You heard what that uppity prince charming said! He thinks _they_ can give _us_ pointers on the art of making women happy!" Roy downed his fourth shot. "I'm Roy Mustang! Making women swoon is what I'm _known_ for!"

"Yeah, but..."

"But nothing! Hawkeye's off for the weekend, so it's the perfect time to try it. By the time she arrives on Monday, everything will be dismantled and she'll be none the wiser."

"Um...don't you think one of the other women might tell her?"

"They don't talk to her, they're terrified of her. Maria Ross is the only one she's really pally with around the command center, and she won't be there."

"Shouldn't we be working on your Ishvalan projects?"

"Of course we should! But I think we're entitled to a weekend of frivolity at least _once_ in our lives."

The four exchanged glances. "I have a bad feeling about this," said Breda.

"You're not going to do it?"

"Oh, we'll do it. But I've got a bad feeling all the same."

"Never mind that. By Sunday morning, our office is going to be transformed into the host club to end all host clubs!"

"I think your bad feeling is contagious," Falman muttered to Breda.

"Oh well," said Havoc, "it's a good weekend to die."

* * *

There was a lot of work to be done, as they quickly found out. A theme had to be chosen for the club; Hughes had gotten a little more intel from the kids about how their club worked, and when Roy heard that they sometimes had themed days, he knew that would be perfect. "Xingese paradise," he decided. "With authentic robes and tea sets and one of those weird drippy bamboo things."

Roles had to be selected. "I'll be the king, of course," said Roy, "since I have the most experience with charming women." Breda became the cuddly but strong one; Fuery was the shy sweet one; Havoc put on his boyish country charm; and Falman was the wise, quiet one. Roy forbade him to carry his dictionary like a shield. They also decided to recruit Armstrong, who was remarkably accomplished in charming women too, although there was a limit to just who found him appealing. He had to swear not to strip unless specifically requested to do so by a guest.

"So, only if there's an insane woman in the bunch," Havoc muttered.

Women had to be invited. After all, Roy didn't expect them to just meander into his office for no reason. A handsomely printed circular was drafted and smuggled to the secretarial pool. The regular furniture had to be stashed in a storage room. Decorations, refreshments, costumes, rehearsal...the damn thing took all day and part of the night too. Fuery fell asleep in his chair, glasses askew.

"Go home and get some rest," Roy ordered, shaking him awake. "All of you. Tomorrow will be a day we'll never forget!"

* * *

_The Central Command Host Club is open for business._

* * *

As the first secretary opened the door to the Mustang unit's office, she was greeted by a fragrant breeze carrying the scent of exotic flowers. Piping hot tea waited to be served in intricately painted little cups. The room was littered with comfy poufs and low tables. The six men, draped in Xingese robes of varying richness and color, were arranged in a tableau of sorts in the center of the room; Roy, his attire very nearly imperial, lounged in what could have passed for a throne while the others stood or knelt in an arrangement around him.

"Welcome, ladies!" they exclaimed in unison. The secretaries tittered.

For the first hour or two, everything went well. Mostly. Roy's men were very much out of their element, and stammered through a lot of their compliments and courtesies. A Xingese bird flew down and disrupted Armstrong's posturing by trying to pull the curl out of the center of his forehead. He protested violently: "This solitary curl is a symbol of manliness that has been passed down through the Armstrong line for generations! How dare you disrespect it, you pestilent parrot!" The women were tolerably amused, however, and seemed to be enjoying the attentions.

And then the door opened.

"Excuse me, General, I just wanted to...what the _hell_ happened to this office?"

"I told you it was a good weekend to die," said Havoc.

Riza stared around in dismay. Her bulging brown eyes took in the crazy display before her - the ornamental arch where her desk should have been, the two secretaries draped on her commanding officer's arms, the puddle of tea that had formed when a startled Fuery had dropped the pot from which he had been pouring. Slowly, very slowly, she drank in the reality of what had happened after she had left on Friday.

"General," she said in a deadly placid tone, "I don't want to kill you. I really, really don't. But don't think for one second that I will hesitate to show you just how much you can live through if this office does not get put back together in the next hour." She glowered at each of them in turn. "That goes for _all_ of you, men. Ladies, I recommend you withdraw and let them get to work, or you will get to enjoy a share of the hell that will be paid."

Fuery was shaking. Falman had gone pale, and Roy supposed he was wondering why he hadn't stayed in Briggs where it was arguably safer. Roy himself couldn't help thinking it sounded like a good idea.

"Well," he said after a moment, "you heard the First Granddaughter."

"Don't call me that," she snapped. "Or so help me I will get him down here to see what his beloved protégé has done when he's supposed to be working."

"I don't think she's bluffing," Breda muttered.

"We were just having some fun, Hawkeye," said Roy. He extricated himself from the arm candy. "I beg your pardon, ladies. Unfortunately, the excellent Captain does make a good point. It's been an honor and a privilege to entertain you in this fashion, but it's time we forced ourselves to return to the workaday world." The secretaries were pouting, and throwing glares at Riza, but none of them dared to say anything. Gradually they filed out.

Roy, trying to find a way to keep all of his body parts intact, turned and offered Riza his most adoring smile. "With your permission, my indispensable adjutant, I think it's only right that we extend to _you_ the same courtesies we've shown to the others. You are, after all, the chief woman in all of our lives, and it's due to your diligence and skill that each of us has survived countless dangers."

"Well, that's true," Fuery piped up warily.

"Havoc, get her some tea. Breda, bring that cushion over here. Falman, find her a pair of those Xingese slippers."

"You don't honestly think you're going to weasel your way out of this by trying to out-prince charming that kid we met on Friday, do you?" she asked him darkly.

"It's worth every risk in the world if it means being favored with one of your smiles, O most competent of maidens."

They stared each other down. Finally, Riza shook her head. "Just get this place cleaned up, will you?" She looked around at each of them, and they started to realize that their beloved poker-faced Captain was having trouble keeping her composure. "You are all ridiculous, you know that?"

"And you love us."

She glared anew at that. She did not, however, argue.


	3. It's Time for Another Good Idea/Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughes babysits the Hosts, with mixed results and increasing weirdness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since there was a question in a review, I guess I didn't clarify this enough, so I'll reiterate: Because this is an AU, I decided to keep Hughes alive in this version of things. He's serving some useful purposes, and he gets to laugh himself silly at Roy. Also, just in case it's not obvious from the context of this newest chapter, Hughes got promoted too. He's a Colonel now instead of a Lieutenant Colonel. Enjoy!

While Roy was devising his ploy to assert his dominance in the field of seduction (and tempting the ire of his right-hand woman), Hughes shepherded the seven Hosts out of sight. Truthfully, he didn't quite know what to do with them, so he called Gracia.

"Sweetheart, do you mind if I bring home a bunch of strange teenagers for a night or two?"

"Again?"

"There's more than usual this time." He offered her a brief explanation of what had happened, although Roy's indignation was described in full detail.

Gracia laughed. "Oh dear. Well, it'll be a bit of a squeeze, but bring them home. At least we can give them a good meal and a place to sleep. Their money probably isn't any good here."

"Exactly. I knew you'd understand," he added in his most adoring croon. "You're only the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful woman in the entire country."

"Oh, Maes." She chuckled. "I'll see you soon, my love."

"Until then." He hung up the phone, smiling, and turned back to the young people. "Mrs. Hughes says she'll be happy to have you stay with us tonight."

Tamaki, as the tall blond had been introduced, was close to swooning. His weird purple eyes had gone all dreamy, with inexplicable streams of water pouring down his face, and he had both hands pressed to his cheeks. Somehow he'd even managed to fill the air around his head with hearts and roses. "You, sir, are an inspiration," he gushed. "You treat your wife like a queen!"

"And our little girl is a princess," Hughes added, proudly. "Here, let me show you some pictures of my little Elysia! She's five!"

* * *

Two hours later, following an extensive photo viewing and ultimately a lengthy slideshow of images of Elysia and Gracia, they finally headed back to the Hughes household.

Gracia was at her most welcoming and kind, but Elysia stole the show by toddling into the room to meet "all the new friends Daddy brought me!" She gazed up at them thoughtfully.

"You look like Ed," she said, pointing at Tamaki. "An' you look like Uncle Roy!" she added, pointing at Mori.

"She knows the Elrics," Hughes explained. "And General Mustang is her godfather."

Elysia's attention shifted past Mori's face to Honey, who was still perched on his shoulders. Her green eyes grew wide and round with amazement. "My size!" she declared.

Honey laughed, and slipped down to the floor. "You're just as cute as your daddy said you would be," he told her.

"Wanna come play?"

Without waiting for an answer, Elysia grabbed Honey by the hand and dragged him off to her room; they could hear him giggling as they went. Hughes frowned.

"Don't worry," Haruhi told him. "Honey's actually eighteen and an expert martial artist. Your daughter honestly couldn't be in safer hands."

"Really?" Hughes hesitated. Then again, he never had any trouble leaving Elysia with the Elric brothers, one of whom had spent several years as a soul bonded to a suit of animated armor, so he supposed a cute dwarf fighter wasn't really any stranger than that. "All right, well, suppose the rest of you make yourselves at home for the evening."

"If I may make an observation, Colonel," said Kyoya, as everyone sat down, "your friendship with the General seems to be a strong one, since you made him godfather to your daughter and he entrusted you with our care."

"Roy and I go way back." Hughes nodded, while Gracia disappeared into the kitchen to make tea. "He and I went to the military academy together. I would say the only one who knows him longer or better than I do would be Captain Hawkeye. As I understand it, you kids also met her earlier today." His glasses took on the wicked sheen that suggested he knew more than he was saying.

"The lovely golden-haired warrior goddess in his office? Yes, we had the pleasure," said Tamaki airily. He glanced at Hughes. "Oh, do you mean to say...?"

"I don't mean to say anything except that Roy needs to get himself a wife. Someone to take care of him the way my Gracia takes care of me."

"Which Riza does," Gracia noted, returning with a tray full of cups. "The tea will be ready in a few minutes, and there are some cookies too. It should hold you over until dinner." Smiling, she exited the room again; Tamaki watched her go with a somewhat calculating expression.

"So...the General and his Captain...they're..."

"We don't talk about it in those terms," said Hughes, "but...basically, unofficially, yes. Just not in so many words. It's understood by those closest to them."

Tamaki nodded. "Men," he declared, "I think we need to do something about this!"

The other Hosts stared at him in some dismay. "Like _what_?" asked Hikaru and Kaoru in unison.

Hughes, however, shook his head. "No."

"No?" Tamaki visibly deflated. "But - we're so good at it. It's kind of a side hobby of the club, helping couples..." He trailed off as Hughes shook his head again.

"Not them," the Colonel said firmly.

"If you don't mind my asking, why not?" Kyoya inquired.

"The chief obstacle for Mustang and Hawkeye," Hughes explained, while Tamaki wandered off to sit in his corner of woe, "is the military's law against fraternization. He's her direct superior officer. Now, they could probably get around it if she transferred out of his unit, and they certainly could if she resigned - but quite frankly, she'd rather chew her own arm off." He chuckled. "She's his bodyguard, among other things, and if she can't personally see to his safety she tends to climb the walls. They'll sort it out in time; they have some kind of long-term plan in place. I just reserve the right to needle Roy about it in the meantime." He grinned. "It's sort of a perk of my situation. I know them both well enough that I can get away with it."

He regarded them thoughtfully. "Now, you said that getting couples together is a _side_ hobby of the Host Club. Suppose you explain to me just how the club operates. Mustang didn't offer a lot of details about that."

* * *

One convenient fade to black later, Hughes had acquired all of the intel he could about the club, and they had finished their tea and eaten some of Gracia's marvelous quiche. By that time, Honey and Elysia had rejoined the group, and it was becoming something of a question how they were ever going to detach Elysia from her newfound friend. She clearly wanted to keep him. Meanwhile, Tamaki had eventually come out of his corner in order to eat, but he was still visibly sulking about the whole 'don't meddle in the Hawkeye-Mustang relationship' thing.

"That was delicious, Mrs. Hughes," said Haruhi with a sigh. "Could I get the recipe from you? If we ever do get back home, I bet my dad would enjoy that a lot."

"Of course you can, dear."

While Gracia wrote down the quiche recipe for Haruhi, Hughes excused himself and made a phone call to Roy, passing on what more he'd managed to learn about the inner workings of the Host Club. When he returned, he had some news for the Hosts. "You'll be staying in Central for the weekend," he said. "General Mustang realized that your...what did you call it? Yen?"

"Our money is in yen, yes."

"Right, well, here in Amestris we use cenz. And I don't know if there's any kind of exchange rate for yen and cenz, considering that I don't know anyone who's ever heard of yen," he continued. "So General Mustang realized that your money isn't any good, and was able to allocate a small amount of funds with which we can get you each a few changes of clothes. On Monday you'll be heading back down to Resembool, to the Elrics."

"Really?" Kyoya looked puzzled; even Mori raised an eyebrow. "With all due respect, Colonel, I didn't get the impression that Edward Elric liked us very much."

"From what I understand," said Hughes, his expression turning sly, "he didn't mind most of you. It was just Tamaki here that he didn't like."

"Me?" Tamaki looked shocked. "But _everyone_ likes me! Don't they?"

"Well, I wouldn't take it too personally," Hughes said hastily. "From what I was given to understand, he was mad because you were flirting with Winry."

Gracia, overhearing this, laughed. "Oh, dear. Well, that will do it."

"Winry?" Tamaki's eyes suddenly gleamed. "So then they are a couple?"

"No. But they _should_ be," Hughes added meaningfully. "They're kind of like Mustang and Hawkeye, except that Mustang and Hawkeye _know_ they should be together and _would_ be together if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances. Ed and Winry? Well, I think Winry knows they should be together, but Ed..." He sighed, perhaps a touch overdramatically. "Ed's a wonderful kid, but horribly thick-headed sometimes, especially on this particular subject. Just ask Alphonse."

"Oh, _really_..." Any lingering traces of Tamaki's sulk vanished. He snapped to attention, his whole aspect lighting up. "Men! I think you know what we have to do!"

"Make them a cake?" Honey suggested.

"No."

"...make _me_ a cake?"

Elysia giggled. Tamaki shook his head and ruffled Honey's hair. "Operation Elricbell is henceforth underway!"

"...Elricbell?" Haruhi repeated.

"It's what they call a portmanteau couple name," Kyoya informed her quietly. "I understand it's very popular in certain fandoms, especially in anime. Tamaki has created a blend out of the surnames Elric and Rockbell, probably because it sounds better than, for example, Edry."

"Huh. Why not Edwin?"

"It would probably be too big of a nod to the established fandom."

Tamaki turned, facing the southern wall of the room, and winked. "Just you wait," he said, pointing at apparently nothing. "This is going to be the most exciting matchmaking episode yet!"

There was a pause behind him.

Finally, Hughes turned to Kyoya and asked, "Who is he talking to?"

"The audience."

"What audience?"

"It would take too long to explain. Let's just say that the Host King has some very... _colorful_ ideas about the way reality works."

Hughes blinked, and then shook his head. "It's like you kids speak a completely different language sometimes. But if it means Ed and Winry are finally gonna get together, you've got my support. I'll be going along to take you back to Resembool anyway; I don't think I would miss this for the world."

* * *

On Saturday, while Roy and his men were tearing apart his office and creating the Central Command Host Club, Hughes had the arguably safer experience of taking the Host Club shopping for clothes.

Haruhi was, again, virtually no trouble at all. She disappeared with Gracia and Elysia, and Hughes had to wonder if she wasn't intensely grateful for the chance to escape the boys' scrutiny for a little while. It was clear that they adored her, but as they outnumbered her six to one Hughes supposed that could become a bit smothering. He was every bit as bad with his girls, of course, but _they_ outnumbered _him_.

"All right," he said, "this is Central's primary shopping district. I don't know what style is like in Japan, but we're just going to get you some very basic outfits." He gave them each an equal amount of money. "That should be enough to get you clothing to wear for the next three or four days."

"This is money?" asked one of the twins. "It doesn't _look_ like money."

"You dope," said his brother, "it's not _our_ money, of course it looks weird."

"All right, men," said Tamaki briskly. "Colonel Hughes and General Mustang are being very generous with us, considering that we're total strangers in their country. Let's not waste the Colonel's time! Kyoya, you try that store. Twins, over there. Honey-senpai, I think I see a children's shop that will have stuff to fit you; Mori, you go with him and then visit the tall men's shop on the opposite corner. If we split up, we'll be faster. Meet back here in an hour!"

Before Hughes could even properly _blink_ , they had sped off.

"How do they _do_ that?" he wondered out loud. Shrugging, he wandered into a toy store to buy a few more additions to Elysia's army of stuffed animals, and then to the photography supply shop for more film. If the Hosts were actually going to do something to try and get Ed and Winry together, he wanted plenty of evidence.

* * *

The girls rejoined him first, or rather, he rejoined them; they had finished Haruhi's shopping and were relaxing at an umbrella table outside a little coffee shop, very near the place where the boys had left him. Haruhi had already changed, and Hughes had to admit that she was almost as cute as Elysia, especially when she smiled. She was wearing black slacks, and a white top with a black jacket that reminded him of the outfit Winry had worn when they first met.

"Central seems to agree with you," he noted with a chuckle, sitting down and giving Elysia her presents.

"Where are the boys?" Gracia asked.

"They split up and are apparently speed shopping. At least, that's what Tamaki tried to tell them to do." Hughes shrugged. "The meeting spot is that corner opposite us, so we'll see them soon, I'd imagine."

Sure enough, Mori and Honey appeared before much longer. Honey was clutching his shopping bags and gleefully eating a giant lollipop. Hughes waved to them and they crossed the street to join the family and Haruhi. "I got one for you too, Elysia!" Honey declared. "We stopped at the sweets shop!"

Hughes frowned slightly. "That's nice, Honey, but you were supposed to use that money for clothes. And Elysia can't have that until after lunch."

"I did get clothes!" he promised, holding up his bags. "The cutest they had! But there was some money left."

They were both dressed like typical Amestrian teenagers, so Hughes had to figure that they did complete the assignment. Mori slid into an empty chair and put a small white box in front of Haruhi. "Strawberry pie," he said. It was the most Hughes had heard him speak since he arrived, and he finally understood why Roy had been so unnerved by the boy's voice.

"Aw, thanks, Mori-senpai!" Haruhi beamed at him, which made him smile a little.

Hughes, watching this, nudged Gracia. She didn't say anything, just nodded.

* * *

The other boys reappeared in due course, and they had lunch. "So," said Hughes, "did you figure out a plan for this Operation Elricbell, as you call it?"

"Not really," Tamaki admitted. "Normally when we're devising a complicated plot, we write everything out on a giant whiteboard and make detailed little diagrams. We haven't really had that opportunity."

"Well, what's worked for you in the past?"

"Elaborate charades, fancy balls, the occasional massive duplicity," Kyoya noted. "Frequently we force Haruhi to go undercover in some capacity."

"I can't see where that would help here..."

"No, neither can I."

Mori put a hand to his chin. "Sheep festival."

Everyone looked at him. "What?" asked Hikaru after a moment.

"When we were down there, I saw a sign for the annual Resembool sheep festival," he said. "It's this week."

"They have a festival for _sheep_?" asked Kaoru incredulously.

"Well, it is the countryside," Kyoya mused. "I imagine such celebrations aren't too uncommon in the more rural areas. A very good observation, Mori."

"And I remember Alphonse telling me last year that they have a big dance as part of the festival," said Hughes, starting to grin. "He was excited because he - ah, he had been ill, but he was finally well enough to participate again." Explaining that Alphonse had once been a giant suit of armor didn't seem like the wisest idea.

"Well, then!" Tamaki lit up. "I think we know what we have to do!"


	4. Ed Surrenders to the Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much to Ed's chagrin, the Hosts return to Resembool...

Ed was, to be sure, less than pleased to be called about allowing the members of the Host Club to return to Resembool. He was plenty startled to hear that Mustang sympathized with his feelings, however.

"Look, I agree with you," Mustang said over the line. "The blond kid's an arrogant little twit. The others aren't so bad. But there's nothing I can do for them here, Fullmetal. None of this mess makes any kind of sense, and if you ask me, _you_ have a better shot at figuring out how to get them home than anybody else would." The older man's voice made it clear that it was costing him quite a bit to admit this.

"Where are they now?"

"Hughes is babysitting for me. If you agree to take them back, he'll bring them down first thing Monday morning."

Ed sighed as Mustang pressed him farther. "I'll waive your recertification if you do this."

"Generous offer, considering that _I'm not an alchemist anymore_."

"All right, then I'll reinstate your research grant," Mustang wheedled. "You can't do alchemy but you can still research it. Same amount you were paid to be military, but you remain civilian. No annual assessments, just a report on your studies every six months."

Ed's lips twitched. It was hard to resist that; the money would certainly come in handy, and it wasn't as if he'd lost an interest in studying the theory even if he couldn't perform practical application. "You're not coming along?"

"I have too much work to do. So do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, all right, we have a deal. Sheesh."

"Don't let him get you down, Fullmetal." Mustang's tone shifted into something that Ed suspected might have been intended as kindness. "The kid's a pain, no argument, but I think he means well." Wryly, the General added, "At least, that's what Hawkeye says."

"Right. And who are we to argue with Hawkeye?" Ed couldn't help chuckling as he hung up the phone.

* * *

Against his better judgment, therefore, Ed was at the train station with Al when the express from Central City pulled to a halt. He could see the little group of strangers sitting in one of the rear cars with Colonel Hughes, and he waited with forced patience as they all stepped off the train and made their way over to him.

"Ah, the country air is _so_ invigorating," Tamaki sighed, inhaling deeply. Ed choked back a snarl.

"I don't think _invigorating_ is the word I'd have selected," Kyoya remarked lightly. "All I can smell is the sheep."

"Oh, come now, Mommy, don't be such a stick in the mud!"

"...Mommy?" Al repeated.

"It's just a thing they do," said Kaoru with a shrug. "Tamaki sees himself as the 'father' of the host club, and since Kyoya does most of the behind the scenes work, that sort of makes him the 'mother.'"

"Generally," Haruhi added, with the faintly tolerant and yet long-suffering air of resignation that could only belong to the sanest member of a group, "you're better off not asking too many questions. I have learned this the hard way."

Tamaki merely laughed, and squeezed her. "You're so cute. Daddy just _loves_ his little girl!"

Ed exchanged looks with Al. "Uh...yeah. Hey, Colonel Hughes, how's it going? How are Elysia and Mrs. Hughes?"

"Beautiful and brilliant, as usual," Hughes replied in his characteristic besotted tone. "I brought pictures from Elysia's preschool picnic!"

"Hey, that's great. Winry will want to see those for sure." Ed forced a smile, which for Hughes (whom he _liked_ ) wasn't too hard.

"Meanwhile!" Tamaki smiled brightly, releasing Haruhi. "What's this we hear about a sheep festival?"

"Oh, yeah. It starts in a few days." Al looked faintly puzzled. "Do you want to go? It's kind of fun to us, but you might find it boring."

"On the contrary! We would be absolutely _delighted_ to partake of your little commoner soiree!"

There was that word again. Ed gritted his teeth. Haruhi, evidently sensing the offense, immediately tried to smooth things over. "Mori-senpai noticed the sign when we were here before," she explained, "and it did sound like it would be a neat experience. We don't really have many sheep in our part of Japan - I'm not sure any of these guys have ever even seen one."

"It's a pretty nice event," said Al, joining her in the peacemaking as they started to walk back to the Rockbell house. Ed kept quiet, grateful to the pair of them for diverting him from strangling Tamaki. "There are shearing demonstrations, and a petting area for the little kids to play with the lambs, things like that. There's also picnic foods, everyone brings something, and on Friday evening there'll be a dance."

"Hmm," said Hikaru, his tone mischievous (and still so much like Ling's that it gave Ed the creeps). "Are there many pretty girls around here to dance with?"

"I think you'll just have to wait and see," Al replied, chuckling.

* * *

Winry was pleased enough to see Haruhi, at least, and welcomed everyone cordially. She gave Hughes a big hug, inquiring happily after her 'little sister' Elysia and exclaiming over the pictures he brought. Ed had to chuckle; Winry had probably the biggest heart of anyone he ever met.

"Well," she said after all the greetings had been exchanged, "if we're taking this many people to the sheep festival, then we're going to have to bring some extra food along to make up for it. Haruhi, if you'll give me a hand in the kitchen? Don't worry, I've got plenty of chores for the others to do too."

"Chores?"

"Absolutely. We need wood chopped for the cooking and laundry fires, and someone has to go buy ingredients for the food we're going to make, and Grandma could use some help cleaning up the automail workshop. There's plenty of work for everyone."

"Oh, that's right," said Tamaki, slightly dumbfounded. "You don't have servants."

"No, we don't," Ed seethed. "We take care of these things _ourselves_."

"So what are we going to make?" Haruhi interrupted.

"Apple pies, and a baked chicken stew. Ed, since you know _where_ to buy the groceries, maybe you'd better take care of that," Winry said, starting to direct traffic. At Haruhi's recommendation she sent Mori to chop the firewood, which he did without complaint, and Honey tagged after him to stack it up neatly. The twins were sent to the workshop to sweep the floor and oil spare parts, and Ed was chuckling to himself as he slipped out of the house, his heart set on a clean getaway.

"Ed!"

Dammit. "Yeah?"

"Take Tamaki with you, please?"

Ed groaned, and Winry followed him outside. "Please?" she said again. "I don't have anything for him to _do_." Moving closer, so as not to be overheard, she murmured, "He's kind of useless."

At that, he snorted. "Oh, you noticed that, huh?" With a sigh, he shrugged his shoulders. "All right. Tell him to get out here." At least, he reasoned, if Tamaki went to the store with _him_ , he wouldn't be all over _Winry_ with his flirtations and sweet talk. So that was some consolation.

That didn't mean he wanted to chat with the guy, though.

* * *

Tamaki, however, wasn't giving him much of a choice. He prattled on about the _invigorating_ country air and the _charming_ scenery and - actually, Ed wasn't sure what else he was saying, since he was doing his best to tune him out and only respond with grunts.

"And the dance on Friday night should be quite the experience. You know, we've held dances in the host club, but Kyoya says yours will probably be very different."

"Hm?"

"Well, our last little ball, for instance. We had a hired orchestra of fifty stringed instruments, and a gourmet buffet spread, and fireworks at the very culmination of the event. What will the sheep festival dance have?"

"Uh..." Ed thought it over. "Well. Some of the music students from the local high school usually play, and...people dance. That's about it. Nothing very complicated."

"Simple and elegant. And how shall we dress?"

"Uh...comfortable. It gets really hot sometimes. Nothing too fancy, though, a lot of the dancing is in a barn..." Wow, why did it all sound so pathetic all of a sudden? He never thought of it that way until now.

"And I assume you dance with the lovely Miss Rockbell?"

Ed shot him a _look_ out of the corner of his eye. "Sometimes. She's usually kind of in demand, though."

"I'm not surprised! Such a lovely and sweet-natured girl must be very popular!"

It was all Ed could do not to growl. Tamaki remained cheerfully oblivious to his irritation, twirling around like some kind of demented ballerina from hell. One hand on his chest, he lifted the other hand dramatically toward the sky. "Ah, the first stirrings of young love, brought to the surface at a dance in the country! How utterly romantic! Two beautiful young people, waltzing under the stars, gazing into each other's eyes...it'll be perfect, I tell you, absolutely _perfect_!"

Ed stared at him. Vaguely he wondered how Tamaki had managed to turn the air around himself pink and fill it with sparkles, but mostly he was just angry. So that was his plan? To steal Winry's heart at the dance? Bastard.

"Look," he said finally. "I'm not sure what you're going on about, but let's get one thing straight. There will be no waltzing under the stars. No gazing into her eyes. No sweeping Winry off her feet. Got it? Get the idea out of your head right now."

Tamaki stared at him for a minute. "But -"

"I'm serious! Knock it off!"

Tamaki turned completely white, from his hair to his clothes to his _eyes_ , and curled into a ball next to a tree, rocking back and forth slightly. The word _DENIED_ appeared, implausibly, above his head in wavery golden letters.

"...what in the world are you doing?"

"Corner of woe."

"That's not a corner."

"Close enough."

Ed tilted his head back and looked at the sky in frustration. "Am I being punished for something?" he shouted.


	5. Tamaki Faces the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not that one.

Ed's argument with Tamaki - if indeed it could be called an argument - cast a bit of a cloud over the next few days. Though Tamaki did eventually regain his color, and most of his spirit, he was uncharacteristically subdued. Ed, for his part, was in a foul temper and it was clearly taking all of his resolve to respond to anyone with a civil tongue in his head.

Al and Winry did their best to at least try to show everyone a good time at the sheep festival. They took their visitors to a shearing demonstration, and to the fenced enclosure where they could feed the lambs. Haruhi seemed right at home, sitting down on a bale of hay with a runty little fellow in her lap, and Honey was having giggle fits at the way they would nibble at his pants and nudge his hand to get him to pet them. Mori leaned against a fence post, watching placidly.

Kyoya was considerably less interested than the others. In the absence of his PineApple computer, he had somehow acquired a notebook, and seemed to be almost constantly writing things down. Hikaru and Kaoru contented themselves by playing hide and seek in a pile of straw. Hughes just wandered around with his camera, taking pictures of the sheep to show Elysia when he got back to Central and buying the fluffiest plush sheep anyone would sell him.

Winry was watching everyone else, and Ed was - though perhaps unconsciously - watching Winry. Tamaki, meanwhile, was watching Ed watching Winry watching everyone else. And Al was watching Tamaki watching Ed watching Winry watching everyone else. That sentence was probably even stranger for you to read than it was for the author to write.

After a time, Winry checked her watch. "Ooh. The sheep herding competition is next," she said. "There are dogs that are specially trained to herd the sheep into their pens and stuff, and they have a contest to see which dog is best at its job. Some of Den's litter mates grew up to be sheepherding dogs, actually."

"This commoner festival is really most entertaining," Tamaki remarked, coaxing a lamb to accept a handful of grass from him. "You do come up with the most delightfully pedestrian ways to pass the time here in the country!"

Ed gritted his teeth, but before he could say anything, a long shadow fell across the gate. He turned, squinting, and did a double take. "Lieutenant Havoc? What are you doing here?"

"Hey, everybody," said Havoc, grinning lazily around the ever-present cigarette poking out of his mouth and offering Hughes a salute. "The General asked me to take a trip down here - seems you crazy host club kids left a couple things at the Hughes residence. The missus called the General, and he sent me to collect and deliver."

"That was really nice of you," said Haruhi, as they gathered around him. "I'm sorry we put you to such an inconvenience."

"Aw, that's okay. Actually, I had kind of an ulterior motive," he admitted, "once I saw the stuff that got left behind."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's see. I think this is Mori's jacket - looks a bit long for anyone else," Havoc said, handing over one of the powder blue uniforms. "And Tamaki, Mrs. Hughes thought this might be your comb."

"Yes, thank you."

"This was the thing that caught my attention, though," Havoc admitted, brandishing a photograph. "I was kind of...well...wondering who the pretty woman was, and if she was single."

There was a distinct, and very loud, pause.

"That's mine," said Haruhi after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"Single, yes. Widowed, actually."

"I could work with that. Who is she?"

She gave him an apologetic smile. "My dad."

* * *

"So your dad dresses as a woman?" Ed asked curiously, several minutes later. A moderately shell-shocked Havoc had been led away by Hughes to get a drink.

"Yeah. He's done it for years; I'm used to it, but I tend to forget that other people might not be."

"Nah, it doesn't faze us all that much," he assured her with a shrug. "Winry works in a city called Rush Valley part of the time; she's apprenticed to an automail master there, Mr. Garfiel. He's kind of the same way."

"Oh, really?" Tamaki eyed Winry curiously. "So you only live here in Resembool for part of each year?"

"Yeah. Mr. Garfiel is really sweet," she replied, "and a great teacher. He's also really nice about letting me come home to spend time with Grandma pretty regularly. Rush Valley's not that far by train, so I can go back and forth without much trouble."

"Winry's great at her job," Al added with a smile. "Remember, Ed? When she called Mr. Garfiel that one time, and all the customers were saying that they needed her to come back and fix their automail?"

"Yeah." Ed's own smile had a trace of pride. "Well, she _did_ make her first automail at the age of eleven. That right there should tell you how good she is."

"Hmm." The wheels in Tamaki's mind were visibly turning.

"Uh, senpai? Your skull's turned transparent," said Kaoru.

"What? Oh. It's nothing." The wheels vanished.

* * *

Friday showed up at the usual time, and after a day spent on chores, making another pie, and then watching the coronation of Miss Resembool, Hughes shepherded the ten teenagers back to the "Elricbell" residence to get changed for the dance. This chiefly consisted of seven of the eight boys putting on clean shirts and then milling around waiting.

Hughes came downstairs, adjusting his civilian tie. "Are we all set?"

"Almost," Kyoya reported. "The girls and Tamaki are still preening."

"Does he always spend this much time getting ready?" Ed grumbled.

"You have no idea."

Winry pattered down the stairs then, looking cool and pretty in her light blue sundress, and was immediately followed by Haruhi, who wore a similar style of dress in a peaches and cream sort of color. They had evidently been talking upstairs while they got ready, judging by the way they sort of giggled at each other.

"Don't you two look adorable," Hughes gushed. "Let me get a photo of you there on the stairs. That's it. Now, if Tamaki would just get down here I could get a picture of all of you together."

"Say no more, say no more," said the breezy voice as Tamaki sailed down the stairs. Ed rolled his eyes. "A group photo sounds _wonderful._ Come on, boys, over here!" From behind, he draped his arms around Winry and Haruhi and gave them a squeeze. "So cute, both of you!"

"Don't kill him, brother," Al murmured.

* * *

A Resembool barn dance was not much different from any other barn dance you can imagine. Paper lanterns were strung from the overhead beams, the floor was swept clean, and the musicians occupied a raised platform in one corner. People who weren't dancing lingered by the punch bowl, or the snack buffet, or sat on long benches along the sides of the room and clapped to keep time with the music.

Winry's grandmother was actually performing with the band, which caught most of the group by surprise. "I didn't know Granny Pinako would be playing tonight," Al remarked.

"Yeah, one of the regular guys is sick so they asked her to fill in," Winry replied. "She likes being the jug in the jug band, she says most of the other instruments are bigger than she is."

"She's not wrong," Hikaru and Kaoru noted.

The current song ended, giving them the opportunity they needed to make their way into the crowd. Several of the local girls were only too happy to come over and greet the handsome strangers, and the Host King was soon holding court in the corner opposite the musicians. Ed rolled his eyes again, but at least Tamaki wasn't bothering Winry for once.

However, as the evening wore on, it became more and more apparent that something painful was happening in Tamaki's mind. Finally, he couldn't internalize it any longer, and he glanced to where Kyoya was standing not far away, observing.

"Mommy dear?"

"Yes, Daddy?" came the droll reply.

"I can't help noticing that...something's happening tonight."

"Several things are happening, Tamaki, you'll have to be more specific."

"Well, specifically, I'm seeing that my little girl is..."

"Ah." Kyoya adjusted his glasses. "You're referring to the fact that Haruhi and Mori-senpai have been dancing with each other almost exclusively, is that it?"

"That's it."

"It's caught my attention as well. Actually, since some little while before we came to this place, I was noticing hints of an attraction between them."

"You were?" Tamaki wibbled. "What do you think?"

"If you want my honest opinion, I think it's actually a very good match."

"...you do?"

"There are several factors to consider. Mori has always treated Haruhi with consistent respect, and she looks up to him both literally and figuratively. She has arguably the best relationship with him out of the entire host club. Furthermore, Mori's social status gives him the freedom to choose his own bride, rather than needing to marry someone to enhance his family's fortune or prestige. He comes from a long line of servants, after all. Honey's opinion holds great weight with his cousin, and Honey adores Haruhi. There's also the fact that Haruhi's father likes Mori - something that I'm afraid can't be said of you."

Tamaki sputtered at that. "But - but - Kyoya, don't you remember?" he blustered. "I realized it quite some time ago - Haruhi and I are the leads in this anime! I'm supposed to be the romantic hero!"

Kyoya sighed, then chuckled, and shook his head. "You mean you still haven't figured it out, Tamaki?"

"Figured what out?"

"We're not _in_ an anime."

"We're...we're not?"

"No. We're in a _fan fiction._ "

The air around Tamaki's head sort of melted as he boggled at Kyoya. "A _what_?"

"A fan fiction. One of our more deluded fangirls has taken it upon herself to construct her own plot in which we are but puppets susceptible to her whims. Evidently this one is a Mori/Haruhi shipper."

"Shipper?"

"Someone who likes a particular romantic pairing."

"You mean there's someone out there who thinks Haruhi would be better with Mori than with me?"

"Yes, well, there's no accounting for taste," Kyoya replied dryly.

"And that's why we're here, in this weird place?"

"Well, that part I haven't quite worked out yet," the other boy admitted. "I'm sure there was a purpose in bringing us here, but exactly what it is I can't say."

Tamaki mulled that over, watching Mori spin Haruhi around on the dance floor. He opened his mouth to say something, but was promptly interrupted by a loud, terrible, and yet oddly familiar rumbling in the floor of the barn.


	6. Down the Rabbit Hole Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the Hosts go home, Tamaki has some useful relationship advice for Ed.

The people attending the barn dance were rather understandably horrified when the floor of the barn started opening up. Considering that the floor should not have had a large gaping hole in its middle, it was hard to blame people for rushing out of the building in fear.

There was a mechanical grinding sound, and Haruhi covered her face with her hands. "Are you _kidding_ me?"

"What is it?" Al shouted to her. He had his hands half-lifted, ready to clap and use alchemy to seal the hole.

"Renge," she called back.

"What's a Renge?"

From the depths of the hole came a high-pitched, slightly maniacal tittering laugh. Slowly, a strange contraption rose out of the blackness, and perched atop it was a pretty girl with long auburn hair. She was, quite bafflingly, wearing what looked like an Amestrian military uniform.

"Wow," said Hikaru.

"There really _is_ nowhere we can go that the rig doesn't follow us," Kaoru said.

"Uh...guys? A little explanation?" Ed asked, having carefully put himself between the rig and Winry.

"This is Renge," said Kyoya, who had remained completely unruffled during the rig's arrival. "The self-proclaimed manager of the Host Club. How _did_ you manage to find us, Renge?"

"My little secret," the girl replied with another laugh.

Al sort of gaped at her. "Your voice," he said, a bit awestruck. "You sound a lot like a certain princess I know."

Renge was evidently pleased by the comparison. "So have you been enjoying your visit from the Host Club?" she asked.

"Never mind that," Ed interrupted. "Let me see if I understand this. You're from their world, that...that Japan place."

"Right."

"And when you leave, you'll be going back there."

"Right."

He looked at the Host Club members. "What are you waiting for?" he shouted. "Get on that thing! That's your ticket home!"

* * *

"This is a little unorthodox," Kyoya observed. All of the Host Club members, except for Tamaki, had exchanged farewells with their Amestrian hosts and crammed themselves onto the rig. "Also, if I can make the observation, it somewhat reeks of _deus ex machina_. Rather literally, to be honest."

"Well, it was either this or have Alphonse make an appeal to the Truth," said Renge, who was reading volume 25 of _Fullmetal Alchemist_ while they waited for Tamaki. "Believe me, this is probably the better option."

"Who's the Truth?" asked the twins.

"You could say he would put the _deus_ into _deus ex machina_ ," said Kyoya after a minute, having peered over Renge's shoulder. "You're right, this probably _is_ the better option."

"Whatever." Hikaru shrugged. "What's keeping Tamaki-senpai?"

"He's talking to Ed about something."

* * *

"So did you actually think I wanted to woo Winry for myself?" Tamaki asked.

"What makes you think I thought that?"

"Your friend Hughes suggested it to me. I apologize for any misconception that may have arisen from my naturally charming personality."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay. So what _were_ you trying to do, then?"

"My intent was to encourage _you_ to follow up on your very obvious feelings for her, of course!" Tamaki said brightly.

"...what."

"Oh, don't be so modest! You're in love with her, she's in love with you, what more needs to be said?" Tamaki laced his fingers together and pressed his hand to his cheek. "True love is the greatest thing _ever_."

Ed scowled, and glanced at the rig. "You're holding up the show, Tamaki."

"Listen to me." And suddenly, Tamaki's demeanor was completely serious. "You yourself told me she spends half her time in another city. She probably meets men every day. You need to tell her how you feel, and soon. Otherwise? Someday? If you want to see Winry Rockbell, you'll need to make an appointment - because her schedule will be filled up with men who aren't afraid to show her how _they_ feel."

"I'm not afraid!"

"Then prove it!" Tamaki winked. "Do me proud. Farewell, everyone! Thank you all for your hospitality! Farewell!" He leaped dramatically onto the rig, settling into the last remaining bit of space. Renge put away her book and shifted a lever. The mechanical sound echoed through the barn as the rig descended as slowly as it had risen.

With a faint thud, the floor of the barn resealed itself.

"They're gone," said Winry, coming to stand beside Ed. She sounded somewhere between relieved and disappointed.

"Yeah."

* * *

"You're back!" cried Nekozawa.

"Yeah."

The rig had rumbled up into the music room, and the Host Club members gratefully clambered off of it. "Yeesh," Haruhi grumbled. "How long have we been gone? My dad's probably worried sick!"

Nekozawa blinked. "I'd be surprised if that was the case," he said. "You've only been gone for a few hours."

"Time dilation?" Kyoya looked surprised. He glanced at his notebook. "Really? Resorting to that tired old trick? This writer is more of a hack than I suspected."

"Huh?"

"Nothing." He turned to Tamaki. "So what were you and Ed talking about for so long?"

"I encouraged him to tell Winry how he feels about her." Tamaki sighed. "Before he finds himself having to make an appointment just to spend time with her."

Behind them, Renge laughed. "That explains a lot," she said.

"It does?"

"It does if you read the final volume of the manga. _Ciao_!" Cackling again, she and the rig disappeared back into the floor.

"I wonder what that means..."

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Amestris..._

* * *

A little more than a week after the abrupt departure of the Host Club, Ed and Winry made their way to the Resembool station so he could board his train to the west. Winry was lecturing Ed about caring for his automail leg while he was away - dry it thoroughly after bathing, oil it daily, all stuff he knew and had heard many times before. He slouched on the bench outside the station, expression dour, all but ignoring her words.

_I wonder if that little drama queen actually had a point._

"Are you listening to me?"

"Uh-huh."

A whistle blew, and Winry jumped to her feet. "That's your train!"

He stared up at her, his heart suddenly in his throat. Desperately he let his gaze roam over her contours, her golden hair, trying to memorize her while he still had the chance. She continued taunting him, teasing that he would break his leg and need to come back almost immediately to have it fixed.

"Probably," he admitted, moving to board the train.

"Well," she chirped behind him, "whenever you need maintenance, be sure to call for an appointment."

He froze on the step.

"An appointment..."

_If you want to see Winry Rockbell, you'll need to make an appointment - because her schedule will be filled up with men who aren't afraid to show her how they feel._

He turned around and stared at her. The familiar, well-loved face, the gentle blue eyes. Make an appointment just to remain part of her life? No. He couldn't.

Maybe that idiot actually knew what he was talking about after all.

Winry blinked at him as he continued to stare, and smiled in puzzlement. "What?"

"Winry..."

"What? Just come out and say it!"

Ed heard himself sputtering, felt his face growing hot. The words clogged in his throat, and what finally burst out of his mouth wasn't what he intended to say at all - but it worked.

"Equivalent exchange!" he cried. "I'll give you half my life - give me half of yours!"

At first she didn't react, only stared at him. Then he saw the comprehension dawn in her eyes, saw the color grow in her cheeks, and knew that she understood. He waited.

She groaned, and slapped her forehead.

"Are all alchemists this dense?" She glared at him. "You want _half_ my life? I'll give you _all_ of it!"

And suddenly, even as she went off on a tangent trying to figure out the exact percentage of her life she was willing to give him, Ed found himself starting to laugh.

He'd never need an appointment to see his mechanic.

 _Take that, drama queen,_ he thought triumphantly.

_~Fin~_


End file.
